So what now?

We have had a lot of stress lately, almost 3 months. I had been feeling so stressed and like I can't escape any of our problems.  I've felt a lot like I just need to get away for a while. In fact I've even considered saying forget it and just going. Which was totally confusing me because anyone who knows me knows my sweetie and my kids are my whole life. I rarely feel the need to even do so much as go to the store alone. I just could not figure out why I was feeling so trapped. 

We had decided to make our next adoption be our last one. We may still do foster care for kids but not with the plans of adding to our family. I guess I better add that it's unlikely that I will be able to say no if the kids do become available for adoption after being in our home. But our goal will be more to foster than adopt. 

My goal in life has always been to be a mother. It's all I've ever wanted. I've never had a desire to have a job and move up the ladder. Never wanted to go into business for myself that is too much work. Just be a mom and do my best to be good at that. In that job I've developed a flexible routine and schedule to keep myself on track because it is to easy to let things go if you don't have assignments. 

Over the years my schedule has changed and added and subtracted jobs but the basic idea is the same. Get up, do laundry, dishes, clean up, homework, Dr. appointments, school activities, but all in all a list full of a million things that just have to be done again tomorrow. 

So to bring all those topics together I'm going to tell you what I found out about ME. 

With the possibility of not adding anymore kids to our family looming in the near future I've become confused. My goal in life has been to have kids and raise them. Having kids has brought me a lot of joy. I know better than to think I need dozens of kids. I know that we will only adopt once more. Ever time I've added a child I feel like I've done something amazing and have achieved a goal.Taking away the having kids faze would leave raising my kids as my only goal for the rest of my life. But raising them means keeping to my schedule and doing that over and over for till they leave my home. It felt a lot like I was resigning myself to being a cog in everyone else's lives. Helping them reach their goals but having none of my own. It literally hurt me inside to think that my whole purpose in life is to just get up and do the same routine over and over again. To be happy for what my loved ones accomplish but never accomplish anything myself beyond laundry. I could not imagine that this is what God would want for me. This can not be his plan for women. 

Nate talked me through it over a series of long talks this month. I can see now that I'm meant to have more goals and to move on from this to goals that I can do and still go through the routine of being a mom. I DON'T want to get a job or go to school because as I said I have no desire to work my way up a ladder or pay to get a degree that I will never use because I have no desire to get a job. 

So here I am now. I know I'm meant for more but all I ever wanted was to be a mom. Where am I supposed to go from here. I don't have any goals beyond this and never made a back up plan.I need to find whole new goals and a new purpose. I live in a rural town with limited opportunities to join or create a group. And I want a purpose so small town things like a reading group just don't quite fulfill my desire to do something that makes me feel like I've made an accomplishment. I have no Idea what I want.

Has anyone else reached this phase and how do they figure out what to do with their life now? I'm so lost.